Sunday, October 29, 2006

Finally my heart starts to recover a little by little, it feels the blood going through it again instead of the chocking of sadness and sorrow. Though its been an awful 8 1/2 days of fight on this battlefield, the scale was huge and the impact was overwhelming.... i did manage to stand up with the help of hope and courage which i found inside that one shattered but under healing heart. Sniff* its good to feel alive, to be able to rest without the nightmares running through my mind for the pass few nights. Today, i waked to a new start of this relationship. A relationship which i placed my all into to love and cherish with all my heart once again.

Its good that i could walk out of my room with a smile on my face again. I'm sorry for those who kept standing by my side caring unconditionally.Thanks guys... thanks for understanding the situation. Well...i really wish i could thank my mum now for being there for me in the darkest hours of my life. If it was not for her i could not have hung in there long enough to see the world ever again. She was the pillar of strength and has always been for me through my years and if the thought of her didn't ran pass my mind... i knew the outcome would be a dreadful one.


Now its a sunshine after the rain, she has gone out to purchase and do some stuff with her friend. Well here i am typing as per normal again. Just got back from grandma's place. Its good to know everyone is still fine over there and ya... smile* Its good to know the fight is over and that she's finally ready to face me without the walls that use to block me out. I pray these walls never return again. I'm gonna have to allow this heart to regenerate with the love she gives again. Please respect my decision guys =) and thanks for the countless words of encouragement.
Julian - Signing out -

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Friday, October 27, 2006

I'm in this current state of dead....the heart has stopped beating and so has the tears stop falling. I don't have the strength to even lift myself up onto the courage i use to have. I'v been bombarded by countless of crudeness till it leaves a whole heart shattered into a million fragments but still... still theres something not letting go....something is causing so much hurt that i'm bleeding inside... bleeding my life away. I wish i could die here right now... as i type... i wish i could just lay down and never to wake again from this sorrow...


the idea that expectations for starting a marriage are the same expectations you need for maintaining it... and if these expectations are not met, your marriage will be in trouble... Does the saying goes the same if u change the "Marriage to Relationship"?


Mistakes can't be taught as i learned... it really takes maturity, understanding , experience , appreciation, cherishing each little action, giving and taking.... lastly self reflection.... in 2 , 1 canot be reflecting on him/herself all the time when either sides feel that they have been useless and wrong... it takes both to reflect and ask themself the questions to make things right... the saying goes that it really takes 2 hands to clap. If either one does not reflect on the actions they made, when will the mistake be resolved...it will only drive the person who reflects into a mind of madness and insanity.

Soon.... i know i will go crazy... soon i know i will break down.... and soon i know i won't live to type my emotions out here again. I don't even dare to look into my diary now as the latest pages which i wrote are all about fights and broken hearts... When will the eyes be cured from this stubborness?..... Maybe leave this cruel world would resolve the situation i am in....

I Breath the air of sadness around me....
I Cry the soul out thats in me....
I Reflect on the actions that holds me....
I Hang on.... on the sweetest memories we had to keep me alive....
Once i let it go... i know i won't be around to see this world even a step further....

I'm a guy, with nothing more then a loving family for this past 21 years, The worlds best Mum , the Loving Older and Twin brother no one could ever dare ask for more and a Dad who is as stubborn as a loghead but still the solo bread winner who never denys the family of the basics... Now, i have a HER who is the edition to my life... The reason that changes black and white to rainbows in the sky... yet....

If 1 is to go...the world will come crashing down on me like doomsday... Please save me.

Friday, October 27, 2006

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Its been 3 days of ups and downs and well.... Now i'm left with myself to sit here to think deeper then before.For this pass 4 months, i realized that changes has been taking place in my life, something which happens naturally without setting a goal but it through mistakes and misunderstanding where i picked up all this pieces and place them back into our puzzle.

What makes it last? i'v been think really hard wrecking my head and searching in my soul to find that perfect answer to make things last for eternity. Feeling quite useless all of a sudden. its like i feel like i lost my sense of hearing and touch but i'm left with my sight to see each step crumble without the ability to stop the unwanted changes. How am i to love when i am stopped from loving? how am i to improve when i am never exposed to what i should do or what should be done at the right time....how am i to love someone.... it can't be as easy as saying I Love You.

Gotta admit at times i'm kinda muddle headed in stuff... being a slow learner and never noticing the surrounding and peoples around me and those causes me to fall really hard once and again... realizing the mistakes, i made the point of always picking myself up and changing for the better. Shiff... i could no longer hold all the love i hide inside and the mistakes i made causing myself to the very end of uselessness... Wish someone could knock me awake from this bumbness.

Its been a while since i came to realize how much cherishing someone means... never feeling this before, i started searching for answers from mistakes and happy moments. It came out to be understanding each others, appreciate each others loving actions and understanding the heart of your partner. Its never healthy to predict the future but always treat each others actions and love for each other like its gonna be the last one in life. We'r never a burden to each other, if one is to love and cherish, the heart is willing to be placed on the line for the worse outcome but even before that day arrives, it will keep on fighting for the best, never going to give up even when the chances are 1-100... I'm never gonna give up.

Loving is the start, enduring and realizeing, appreciate and cherishing is the process which makes the heart change and work for the better... making the bond stronger and tighter clearing all the dark clouds and walls which deny our feelings and actions which could be spoken without a misunderstanding. An easier place to hold each other hand in hand walking down the never ending road with the least ups and downs... and lastly.... the outcome will be something sweet....some worth fighting for. Its said that to give up is not worth the fight as u know the outcome would be a bitter one.... but to fight is to never regret the outcome of the downfall as you tried... i tried. And if the outcome is sweet....would life be a 1000000 reasons to live together forever?....

I choose to fight....even if it takes how much the time , effort , blood, tears and sorrow.... i won't give up to learn....

good night.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006